Monday 15th September 1958

Coming back to school after being suspended gave more attention that I'd ever gotten. And a lot more than I need. I already got enough before the incident and because of foolish Char and her idiotic idea, people be giving me nasty stares. The twins have already been suspended and I ain't see no sight of Char anywhere. Twins be telling me Char's sister, Juju sent her to live with her grandparent's over at Alabama. Walking through hallways without her there feels like heaven. I ain't barely been teased today. In fact I actually got a note from somebody, somebody special to my heart. I walked toward my locker to find Caleb be standing there. I asked him what he doing and he said to me "Oh i just be leaving, here's something, but open it when I'm gone." I couldn't help but blush and before I could answer back he walked away. I opened up the note to find a poem. A poem written for me. Somebody actually wrote me a letter for me, chocolate coloured, skinny girl, me.

As I read that poem, tears be falling from my face, from my 'sweet dark chocolate' skin. I looked back into the mirror and saw a pretty girl. I saw a whole different Maleeka, a whole different personality. I be looking happier and I looked like I could actually fit in. Well, that what I saw in my eyes. In the eyes I just needed to use properly this whole time. That was exactly what daddy be telling me all the time. To look at me with my eyes not nobody else. I be hanging up both poems from the two boys in my life that inspire me, inspire me to become a better person. I'll hang them side-to-side, where they belong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9nSU2hAqK4&feature=related - Natural Woman - Aretha Franklin

Monday 1st September 1958

The moment I walked into class all eyes were on me. People were asking 'bout my haircut. They asked me why I don't have no more hair. They be acting like they don't like it but I be thinking they secretly do. I expected this from all of them but it ain't nothing new. They all be criticising me. By fourth period I be wearing the baseball cap I brought from home just in case. Teachers tell me to take it off in class, but I make up some flimsy excuse and they believe them. People be running up to me all day, yanking off my cap and making jokes about my "peanut head". I really don't get it. I thought I looked good and I love my new cut. I think it's a new style, a new me. A new me that ain't gonna let nobody tease me.

I thought of Daddy today. I knew he would have wanted me to be redoubtable and for me to stay strong. I have what he used to say to me, stuck in my head. "Maleeka, you got to see yourself with your own eyes!" I know I be saying this too much but I really do wish he was still here to tell me that. Still picturing him say that makes me feel better but him being here would be the greatest. I'm sure with him I would be so much stronger. Momma ain't do that to me. She ain't be encouraging me much at all. That job, she left for Daddy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSx9V4ftX8k - Black Night - Charles Brown

Thursday 28th August 1958

I ain't no like smoking but sometimes Char don't give me no choice. Most times I go now, is to join them but I know it ain't good for my health. I try to not do it but if I don't do it with her and the twins she say I'm stupid. I really hate it when they treat me that way, when they treat me like I'm worthless and sometimes I really just don't wanna do it, I just want to pee. The principal has already taken doors off the bathroom stalls away because he think it stops all us from doing the smoking, writing on walls and cutting class but he needs to think again. All us girls still do the same things. In fact, every morning is when we meet and when I can finally get out of my momma's home made rags and change into Char's glamorous, designer clothes. Life without Char and the twins would probably be a lot less stressful, but I just want to fit in. Their life without me would be hard too. I do all of Char's homework. She be getting a reputation from the way she treats me and she be proud of it. All I've ever wanted to do is fit in but Char obviously won't let that happen.

Today I was late for second block and walked in to find everybody's got their head down and they all be writing. "What does your face say to the world?" was our topic. Miss Saunders is already going round collecting papers by the time I began to write. I only got to write 3 sentences and she ain't not letting me have any excuses. She still wanted me to answer the question. Of course somebody be teasing me after that. Of course they be teasing me 'bout my skin colour. When Miss Saunders told us about how she felt about her face and about how she ain't just naturally like the way she look I gained respect for her. I know she struggles just like I do and can't believe she's been going through the pain, the agony of the taunting, the teasing. I know it ain't feel good and I hope that ain't how I get teased when I'm older. Hearing her say those words have made me curious about what I gonna look like when I'm older and if the teasing is ever gonna stop. Hearing those words have made me WANT to make the teasing stop. No way am I gonna let people treat me like I ain't no nothing. I ain't gonna let anybody treat me like I'm imperfect. Char ain't gonna be liking that idea but it's something I feel needs to be done. Sucks for her but I know I deserve a lot better than them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-POnP8O2R0 - You Shook Me - Willie Dixon

Monday 25th August 1958

First day back at school and already John-John has teased me several times. He's always gonna tease me, ain't he? He ain't gone not one day without it and because of that, he has changed my life immensely. The teasing could be both a good thing and bad thing. Because all of it, it has made me tenacious and a stronger person, but it has made my days of school miserable. Because I'm black, because I'm not like them, I am considered a loner; an outsider. Char, the twins and Desda all think my looks determine my popularity. I'm tall, skinny and most decisively, a "too dark" chocolate skin colour. To make things worse I ain't even got no proper clothes to wear. My momma makes them by hand. They're ashamed to be around me and say I'm a disgrace to them. They make me feel like I'm a disgrace but thankfully when I'm home I feel safe and I feel myself. I don't think this feeling ain't ever gonna go away...

In class we ain't got no good teachers. Miss Saunders is my new English teacher and she ain't seeming nice to any of us. She ain't even got a girls name. Her name is Michael; what kind of girls name is Michael? She's tall and fat and she got the smallest feet I've ever seen. She has a huge white mark over her face like somebody's spilled some sort of acid all over. I don't know her too well, so I can't judge but she seems nasty. Although I do say she ain't done anything to any of us to deserve the disrespect she gets. I feel bad for her and know she deserves more. I'll be trying to help her but I know there ain't too much I can do. I'm sure i'll be getting used to her soon enough. She might even turn out to be congenial.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNrxz-A19WY&feature=related - Cry cry cry - Bobby Blue Bland

Saturday 23rd August 1958

Ever since Daddy's death I've been feeling like a part of me has been missing. Feeling like somebody's ripped a piece of my heart out my chest. Momma's been trying her best to stop me feeling this way but she ain't been doing too good. She been working lots, trying lots and been putting lots in to gaining money for the two of us but she ain't been getting much back in return. Ever since Daddy died she been acting this way. I miss Daddy. He would be the one to cheer me up, the one that kept me going through each day. He made me feel good about myself but now that he's gone I ain't got nobody to push me and encourage me to get through. His death has made many changes in my life. Momma has noticed them changes of mine. She be thinking I ain't as strong as I was. She ain't barely mention him at home because she know both me and her get depressed about it. He was almost like the glue that was keeping my family together. Now he ain't here to keep us all safe and to keep us happy. He was a great poet and had wrote a few for me that had made my day. I loved him very much and won't let him ever leave my heart. I will forever love him and will never forget all my times with him.

   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-b3YSMx7lA - Stand by Me - The Soul Stirrers